My name is Annabel. Anyone who neeeds someone to talk to, i'm here.
I hope when you peel citrus fruit
that it all comes out in one piece.
I hope that you have nothing to do today
so that you can stay in the shower
because sometimes that’s the warmest
and safest place to be.
I hope you let the sidewalk kiss
the bottoms of your bare
blistered feet after you’ve walked
far too long in uncomfortable shoes.
I hope the lights are all green on your drive home.
I hope the cashier looks at you like you’re beautiful.
I hope you have an appetite tonight and I hope
you have good things to eat.
I hope the walk to your car smells like trees.
I hope you haven’t forgotten how lovely you are.
We all have different definitions of a good day.
I hope you get some stuff done
even when you couldn’t leave your bed last week.
I hope you went outside even though
you didn’t want to see anyone.
I hope you at least have a day
where nothing bad happens.
I hope you have a day when you give yourself a break
because you need to remember that you’re human.
I hope you do something that makes you feel good about yourself.
I hope you do something for you and only you.
I hope you remember it’s not selfish.
I hope you remember it’s okay to eat.
Most of all, I hope you don’t die
because you are so many people’s reasons
to stay alive.
I never say “I love you” first. I think it’ll be difficult for those words to leave my mouth ever again. They make my stomach feel like theres lighting inside. It’s too brave, a deadly task. When you say them or say them back to someone you’re getting prepare to shake hands with fire, you’re placing yourself at the edge of a cliff, you’re getting close to a quicksand of remorse.
There is this odd trend
of taken women
saying they are too much,
and how the men they love
are amazing for dealing with them.
Love should not be a responsibility.
You should not have to deal with me.
Just because a woman is wild
does not mean she is difficult.
He is not a martyr for loving me
through the good
and not so good.
Some mornings I will wake up swinging,
you do not get a gold star
for still loving me.
Some mornings I will wake up like a lamb,
you do not get a gold star
for loving me.
I am not a hurricane of a girl,
you always have the chance to leave.
One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay.
(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.